We have not even hit the end of January and this year already feels so unsure. Some days I don't think about it all, other days my head is spinning.
It is just one of those times where I am reminded again how NOT in control I am of my life and what goes on around me. From our home to our church to our families to our schooling. Things are just unsure.
We continue in the process for a Home Modification because of the 16 months of unemployment for Cory. We are still not sure what our monthly payments will be and we are not sure how that is all going to work out. But, the thought of leaving the neighborhood and community we are part of scares me to death.
My Pastor of 20 years just announced his resignation a couple weeks ago at my church. Although I am excited for this new phase of life for him and his family, it is hard to imagine what our church will look like without their family. We also had the air conditioners stolen last week and the entire body seems to be in a state of uncertainty. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will be able to sustain the money needed to keep our building. I have attended this church since I was 4 years old and my heart aches for the trials it has endured.
Different members of my family are going through different life-changing events. I want to be the support, I want to be the shoulder, but I feel ill equipped and out of time to spare.
We have been part of the same Christian/Homeschool School for 5 years and my plan was to stay there for the remainder of my children's schooling. However, next year seems impossible for us to stay where we are. So, now we are looking at other options and not sure what that looks like for our family. I feel guilty with the possibility of moving my kids from their friends, I want them to be part of a school that will allow them to succeed and my options are minimal.
Life feels unsettled and unsure. I just want to know if it is going to feel this way till I get to Heaven or if there will be a time of rest before I leave this Earth. Trying to rest in His Sovereignty. Trying to "not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough worries of it's own". Trying to live out what I know to be true. Right now, I am tired.
3 comments:
Your future is "sure" because it's in God's hands. He loves you and is working all things together for your good. It isn't easy to rest in Jesus' sovereignty because the unknown scares us. But God sees our circumstances differently than we do, and He knows what He's doing with them. The past is familiar to us so it's less scary than what we don't know that's ahead. We only have to take this next step that the Holy Spirit is guiding us to take. That's all we have to know. The rest is in God's hands and it will be fine. It will bring Him glory.
Cassie- Your honest uncertainty is okay. God can handle our questions & doubts. You don't know what the future will hold, but you are holding on to the One who does. That's all He asks for-- your obedient clinging to Him. I sympathize with what you're going through. It's not easy or fun! But God will meet you in the tough circumstances in ways you would never experience Him in good times. It will be worth it. Hang on!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment but it is only for a season. It wasn't always like this and it won't always be like this in the future.
It's just a season, that's what I tell myself... just a season.
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